003 - [Fucking FLORIDA]





FUCK "FUN IN THE SUN" - MORE LIKE "LIVING IN A GODDAMN MOUTH"



Why do so many people retire to FLORIDA?! "Because it's warm"? THERE ARE OTHER PLACES THAT AREN'T WARM THAT DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DYING IN THE THROAT OF HELL. Why don't you go to fucking Arizona where the humidity doesn't drown you alive and your sweat actually does its job?


Nevermind, I don't care if you want to live there. But I sure as shit don't! I literally packed all my shit into a truck and drove away with a guy I couldn't even trust in the end just to get out of that shithole! The most accurate depiction of Florida is when I saw a meme where some Aussies labelled a map of the USA and drew an arrow pointing to FL labelled "That's the wang". FLORIDA IS THE DAMP, CHEESY, STINKY, HUMID, SWAMPY FUCKING WANG OF THE USA.


If you're so old or anemic that you can't even maintain your own reptilian body heat, then go for it! Enjoy getting stabbed by palm fronds and thorny vines with every step you dare to take off the beaten path! But I'm fucking anemic and I MOVED TO FUCKING NEW YORK. FUCK FLORIDA.


Speaking of palm fronds, FUCK! I HATE PALM TREES! THEY DON'T SYMBOLIZE A "GETAWAY", THEY DON'T SYMBOLIZE "FREEDEOM FROM THE WORK WEEK," AND THEY DON'T SYMBOLIZE "HAVING FUN AT THE BEACH". THEY SYMBOLIZE GIANT FUCKING STINKBOMB ROACHES THAT WILL PISS A SCENT UPON YOU WHEN THREATENED THAT WILL RUIN YOUR APPETITE FOR AMARETTO AND ALMOND EXTRACT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.


FUCK PALM TREES. FUCK BEACHES THAT AREN'T ICELANDIC AND BLACK. FUCK MOSQUITOES THE SIZE OF SMALL BIRDS THAT SUCK THE LIFEBLOOD OUT OF YOUR EVERY LIMB WHILE YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO CHECK THE MAIL. FUCK THE 100+ DEGREE REALFEEL TEMPERATURES THAT CAUSE SWEAT TO POUR DOWN YOUR TORSO LIKE A RIVER WHILE YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO CHECK ON YOUR GARDEN FOR A GODDAMN MINUTE.


FUCK YOU, FLORIDA. FUCK YOU. I'D TELL YOU TO ROT IN HELL, BUT YOU'RE ALREADY ROTTEN AND YOU'RE ALREADY HELL.