002 - [TV And Radio Commercials]





YEAH, I HATE THOSE TOO.



Don't try to act like your stupid corporation is "just like us" like we've never heard of the "plain folks" method of advertising! Including clips of girls laughing during golden hour lighting doesn't mean that your purely profit-driven internal economics actually, totally understand the real needs of the common working person and also millennial pain! FUCK.



Oh, and the volume. The fucking volume! Who doesn't hate that?! I don't even own a TV because I hate it so much but every time I go to a relative's house where it's on, the commercials are BLARING, and often extremely obnoxious.


Yeah, I fucking get it: You dumb fucks want to make sure that I can still hear your bullshit when I go in the other room to literally fucking avoid you. BUT JUST LIKE WITH THE WEBSITE POP-UPS THAT ARE SIMILARLY IN-YOUR-FACE: THIS MAKES ME WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU LESS THAN EVER BEFORE.

IT DOESN'T JUST MAKE ME GO "OH WOW HAHA THAT'S ANNOYING," IT CAUSES ME TO MAKE A SILENT PACT WITH MYSELF, SEALED IN MY OWN BLOOD AND SOUL, TO NEVER BUY YOUR STUPID SHIT OR INTERACT WITH YOUR COMPANY, BRAND, OR PRODUCTS EVER. THE FUCK. AGAIN.


I WISH I COULD GET AWAY FROM ALL OF YOU, BUT GEE, GUESS I CAN'T EFFECTIVELY SHOVE A BIG, FAT MIDDLE FINGER IN YOUR STUPID BUSINESS' FACE LIKE I WANT TO BECAUSE YOU'RE UNDOUBTEDLY ONE OF THE COUNTLESS SUB-SUB-SUBSIDIARIES OF THE FIVE FUCKING SHITSTAINED CORPORATIONS THAT OWN OVER HALF OF THE KNOWN WORLD [AT THE VERY LEAST]. BUT GUESS WHAT? THAT ASPECT OF THINGS IS SO AWFUL THAT IT'S GONNA GET ITS OWN FUCKING POST, JUST YOU WAIT.


Radio, too! When did voice acting get so insulting?! If I'm driving a fucking van around, I'm clearly not a fucking toddler so WHO IS THE VOICE ACTOR'S PATRONIZING TONE EVEN FOR? This is a problem in the goddamn TV ads, too, but it stands out so much more in radio because there aren't a bunch of exaggerated faces and garish text to distract from the sound of it. The voice acting is SO BAD. And it isn't only patronizing and infantile: There are those great moments when they try to pull out sex appeal, too. Quit trying to convince me to buy overpriced beer at some fucking bar by talking to me in a tone that makes it sound like you're describing a blowjob instead. I'm buying alcohol at the liquor store with my wallet and my angst, not my fucking dick. DON'T TRY TO SELL ME YOUR FUCKING PRODUCT BY TALKING LIKE EITHER A BABYSITTER OR A FUCKING HOOKER.